So I took Friday off from work. Was only 20 miles away (from Dedham, Mass.) when I hit Rte. 128 which was zipping along at 15 to 20 mph. Checked into the CrimeBake with the help of long time members. Later the next day, when the original registrars were attending seminars, wonderful interns took over.
I checked into my hotel room which was on the ground floor and so far from the lobby, it was in a different county. I figured the walk was good for me.
Roberta Isleib (who is Lucy Burdette in real life) gave me my manuscript critique. I began with, 'I was a bit askance that I could only send 15 pages because nothing happens in 15.' She said, 'I'm glad you said that because you're spot on' Arrrrrrrrrgh. One time I had hoped to be wrong! So the whole beginning is wrong. She remarked that I had a good beginning of a cosy. Again, arrrrrrrrrrrgh. I told her I don't read cosys and she said, 'Well, you had better read some!' *
Friday's Master Classes at 3 p.m. offered 3 choices, but "Anatomy of a Best Seller" with Hallie Ephron was the only choice for me. Hallie is a great teacher and can dissect an issue -- in this case what creates a blockbuster -- with a sharp knife. It was a lively discussion.
The second Master Class that I chose at 4:45 p.m. was "The Architecture of Murder" by Stuart Horwitz. Stuart also teaches at Grub St. in Boston:
grub street...
- Makes writers better writers.
- Builds literary careers.
- Creates audience for good work.
Stuart was very interesting and he showed us how to "build" an effective mystery. His method was very hands on (literally) as he told us to print out what we have written and cut it up into scenes, laying the pieces out on a table to see what we needed for placement. He accompanied himself with a very engaging presentation of ... hard to describe. I guess you could say many frames of jointed plastic figures. Of course, I found his patter to be very engaging.
At 6:15 p.m., we had the pizza welcome party which had huge caesar salads to complement the pizza. At that point, having gotten up at 6 a.m., driven 2 and a half hours, been in multiple lines, having walked the quarter mile to my room, I was pooped. I skipped the 7:30 p.m. seminar and spent some time -- awk! -- buying some books. I was also able to chat with my friend from last year, Rory. You might remember him: his day job is that he's a Mentalist. He has a story in "Stone Cold," this year's Level Best Books' short story collection. There might have been a drink or two of the alcohol persuasion in there ...
Then it was time for the Death & Dessert welcome reception. Need I say more?
On a nifty sugar high, I toddled off to go to bed. Trying to get a wake up call, I discovered that the phone near the bed didn't work. Using my cell phone, I called the hotel and got the wake up call. I asked the desk clerk to ring the phone to be sure I'd get the call. It worked. So I couldn't call out, but I could get calls in.
The bed was comfy, it only took me a minute to figure out the TV, and I snuggled in. As I began to doze, a giant noise hit my room. "SHIT!" I yelled inwardly. I couldn't figure out if it was in the hallway or what it was. Should I get up in my less than adorable pj's and look into the hall or what? I finally figured it out -- the heat had gone on. Lest you think I am exaggerating, the TV sound was on 9. When the heat went on, I had to turn it up to 20 to hear the TV at all. It was awful. The worst part is that even though I had set the heat at 65, it went on almost every hour. So, I just decided that I'd have to grin and bear it because I knew that every single room in the hotel was full.
Then the power went off. Yes, Mom, I usually have a mini flashlight in my suitcase -- for some unknown reason, I had taken it out this time. Remembering that my window faced a well lit parking lot, I thought maybe there was some light there. Groping my way toward the window, I only walked into one thing, and I opened the curtain to blazing lights on the empty parking lot. (Didn't I tell you I was in a different county?) I opened the curtains about two feet and that made me feel better. Two minutes later, the power went back on. Of course, the clock was totally messed up and while there were careful instructions on how to set the alarm (which even I could understand), there was no possibility of re-setting the actual time. WTF?
Around 3 or 4 a.m. (remember, the clock is fubar), I got up to go to the bathroom. Remembering the open curtain, I figured I had better close the curtains so that nobody could see me walking around naked in the daylight. Oh, come on! You mean to tell me that if you're totally alone, you don't walk around naked?
So as I approach the curtain, I look outside and see a man, dressed all in black, with a hoodie pulled up over his head. He's standing with his back toward me. He's not smoking and he's not texting and he's not talking on a phone. A chill runs through me. I continue to watch. He's not moving. At this point, I'm freaked. Maybe he's waiting for a drug deal? Remember, there was not one car parked in this lot -- I couldn't even figure out how you could drive there. So, remembering that my bedside phone doesn't work, I get my cell phone, grope in the dark in my bag for the hotel room number and call. I tell the young black woman who answers what I'm seeing. She says, "Oh, that's probably the man next door to you who has gone out of his sliding glass door." (I hadn't noticed that my "window" was a sliding glass door to the outside.) Finally, she says, "Would you like me to send security?" I gave her a resounding, "Yes!" and sat up in bed. After a while, I crept back to the window and he was gone. I closed the curtains quickly.
The next morning after loading up on room coffee, I called the desk to ask if there were anything they could do about the heater noise. They promised to send 'engineering.' Nobody showed. I called again -- they asked me to check back. I asked why ... finally, they agreed to send someone even though I would not be in the room. ( ! ) They were also promising to switch the room if I wanted, which was a boldfaced lie because the hotel was totally booked!! (These young kids obviously think I'm dumber than I sound.)
Saturday began bright and early with breakfast at 8:00 a.m., Welcoming Remarks, and presentation of the Al Blanchard Award. At 9:00 a.m., Kate Flora moderated "How to Create a Career that Lasts." The panelists: Meg Gardiner, Linda Barnes, Robin Cook, & William Martin.
I had met Robin Cook ("Coma" was new) when he was going to be interviewed by Sam Levenson on a Boston radio station. I was the temp switchboard operator, which is another story. When I mentioned this to Cook, he didn't seem to remember Sam Levenson. Oh well, he's excused: that was 32 books ago. By the way, Cook thinks of himself as a doctor, not a writer.
Then it was on to book signings and the designers of this were geniuses -- all of the short story authors were lined up so you could get every single one of them to sign their short story! Genius! Of course, there was a bookseller selling other author's books. It was a book frenzy!! You all should buy "Stone Cold," Level Best's Annual Anthology!
Hank Phillip Ryan on Left, Hallie Ephron on Right
After that, at 10:10 a.m., I picked another panel. This one was called "Die Hard High Concept Novels: The Trend that Keeps on Selling." I just couldn't make myself go to "Eat, Drink & Murder: Cooking Up a Great Mystery." Maybe next year.
Then a break. It was only 11:30 a.m., but I was seriously sleep deprived. Not feeling one bit guilty, I skipped "Writing the Young Adult Mystery" and "Using the Past in Your Mystery." I checked on my room -- the heater was quieter! Hooray!! And the clock had been reset -- an hour behind -- but better than 4 hours and odd minutes off.
Lunch at 12:30 p.m. was the usual yummy carb overload (the box lunches included a six inch grinder, green apple, potato chips -- Cape Cod, of course -- and pasta salad and a giant cookie. I didn't get a drink because I waited too late to grab one, but they were available. I must say that I'm not really thrilled with the "run and grab" box lunch session. Maybe the hotel should put curtains around the tables where they stack the box lunches. The poor serving people couldn't even get them out of the buckets without people grabbing them out of their hands, Anyway, Meg Gardiner was the Guest of Honor and she was interviewed by Steve Ulfelder. She spoke of having been published in the UK and her books were all over England, Australia, Wales, etc. but not in the US. It was something like 8 years later before she would be accepted by a publisher in the US. We're crazy.
I have no idea what I did until 3:10 p.m., but I did go to hear "The Heroes of Mystery: Creating and Sustaining Series Worthy Characters." The weariness was creeping into my bones. But I had to keep going because my favorite part was coming up.
At 4:20 p.m. was "Drop In and Ask the Experts." Vincent O'Neil (Paths to Publication: Which is for You?) was the first expert at a table and another woman and I had fun tlaking with him. Next, Dr, David Page (Medical) arrived and I went to his table. The other experts included Law Enforcement and Using Media to Advance Your Career, but I stuck with medical. Dr. Page is a trauma surgeon from Bay State Hospital in Springfield, Mass. (very near where I live).
Dr. David Page on Left
He was most personable and engaging. The other real authors had interesting questions. 'How can I keep someone in the hospital for two days?' [Head trauma, mi] 'What shape would someone be in at minus 10 degrees if they were bound in the trunk of a car?' [Frostbite, dead skin on digits, how to warm, etc.] 'What would happen if someone transfused a dog's blood into a human?' He was even amazed at this question, but the woman is writing a historical novel and she has seen a drawing with this being done. [The red cells would break down and clump and block the liver.]
When discussing how long it takes to die, Dr. Page said a Vietnam vet friend of his had seen a man run twenty yards while having been eviscerated. His bowels dragged on the ground. Sorry. I know some of you are squeamish.
After that, it was time to put on my Hawaii shirt and attend the cocktail party!
Ang Pompano, aka AG Pompano has made it a tradition to have his picture taken with me at the cocktail party. I like his short stories a lot! (He's a very nice man.) I was sorry that his wife was not there this year, as she is a lovely lady.
Of course, all of this led up to the Trouble in Paradise Banquet and Costume Party. It had a Tiki-Hawaii theme and we were encouraged to wear our Hawaii shirts.
This woman wore the ever-popular coconut bra and felt the need to discipline her drink.
These two ladies had my favorite dresses.
I have no idea who any of these people are, but if they said o.k., I took their picture!
Soon, it was time: I handed out leis, grabbing one for myself. The grass skirt was Twiggy size, but it didn't go to waste! Our servers got right into the spirit. The others on the other sides of the room weren't so lucky to have me handing out leis!
You knew I'd take pictures of dinner, didn't you? The salad had mango and coconut. The dressing was either mango (which was yummy) or a balsamic vinagrette. The chicken had a weird kind of sauce that William Martin remarked, "It seems to be missing something." Or as Michael Wolff said about Jade Cloud Tea, "It sounds better than it tastes." Dessert was a mini cheesecake.
The DJ got right into hula songs and there was the costume march complete with three judges. Here are just a few of the costumes.
Below, finals of the judging.
Then it was off to bed where I could actually get some sleep! Wahoo! One of the young girls at the desk had felt so bad for me (the third time I approached them to thank them and engineering for making the heater a little better), that she gave me two free breakfasts for Sunday. Their buffet with a chef making omelettes was much better than the continental carb breakfast at the CrimeBake. And I made a friend! Kathy was waiting for her husband, the author. She is a knitter who makes designer collars and knit jewelry.
Thoroughly full, I arrived at Sunday's "Casaulties of Murder: Wounds & Weapons" with Dr. David Page. Again, he was most engaging. Some winced when he described a gunshot (small caliber) to the forehead with, 'You can put your little finger in the hole of the entrance wound and your fist in the exit wound.' I think he attributed that to Hemenway.
He was followed by "The Plot Conjurers" where a panel of authors create a plot on the spot. Prior to this, the audience has written names for a hero, a victim, and a crime. They are tossed into separate bags, the authors choose one of each and the fun begins. They ended up with a body in a bakery run by a lesbian baker in Northampton and somebody else throwing dough balls ... it was pretty funny.
And I was done. Having dragged my suitcase with me (to avoid yet another hike to my room), I had already checked out and decided to miss the last seminar on "Writing Authentic Police Procedure." I think I will have to go into training for next year. The last time I had my brain engaged for so long was when I was in grad school. I may have to do mental exercises three times a day!
Cheers!
* After much thinking, I am dumping 'my cosy.' Stay tuned for an earnestly, but possibly poorly, written medical thriller.
Thanks Tina lovely story and lovely fat food again LOL.
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