Accident of Birth
As I watch a
moth struggling, fluttering, between my window and screen, I wonder where he
has come from. He must have hatched
there last night when it was below freezing and snowing. And he’s doomed only because of his accident
of birth. I wonder how many people mourn
the circumstances of their birth.
“What if I
had been born with a mother who loved me for me and paid some attention to me?”
“What if I hadn’t reminded my mother of my
father who abused her? Would she have not shown so much anger to me then and
now?”
“What if I
hadn’t been one of five children and told by my parents, ‘you’re on your own’?”
I know of
three women who fit these accidents of birth.
And I am amazed. I would think
that they grew up to be neurotic, conflicted people. Instead the woman in the first case, Jane, is
a beautiful accomplished mother of three overachieving young adults. Her mother gave her custody over to her 15
year old sister who later snapped, ran away, and got into drugs. It’s clear that there was (and is) untreated
mental illness on the mother’s part, but Jane harbors no animosity. In fact, Jane has let her mother move in with
her now that she is aged, and Jane somehow ignores the fact that her mother
still ignores her unless it is to demand attention or food.
Jane is
totally engaged in her young adult children’s lives, has a loving husband, and in-laws
who love her as their own. She has a
positive spirit, a very spiritual side, and a playful “addicted to bling”
side. She works full time, is going to
grad school, disguises her high intelligence with a ‘blonde personality’ but
will share it in serious discussions with friends. How did this happen?
Woman number
2, Helen, again has a truly mentally ill mother who heaps verbal abuse on all
of her children. Over the years the
mother verbally drove away family and friends, causing the children to mourn
the companionship of cousins and others.
It has taken
a lot of years for Helen and her siblings to understand that “Mom” needs serious
psychotherapy, which might not work now since the woman is elderly. But Helen has become a thoughtful, generous,
ethical person who has a strong spiritual side even though she is an
atheist. (That’s the subject for another
monograph, but not now.)
Helen has
suffered more than her share of tragedies in her personal life, but she
continues to seek her own kind of therapy and healing. Much of this healing comes from, I think,
following the old Beatles’ line of “The love you take is equal to the love you
make.” She, too, is a positive person
who has a fun side along with her intellectual curiosity. She has one surviving
young adult daughter who is making her way in the world knowing full well that
Helen has her back at all times. Helen
is raising her granddaughter in a joyful manner while remembering the greatest
heart wrenching time of when her daughter passed away.
Finally,
there’s Linda. (You know by now that
these are all pseudonyms, right?) Linda
means “beautiful” in Spanish and Linda is truly beautiful. She was lost in a crowd of many siblings with
a mother who basically said, ‘I’ve given you clothing and shelter – get on with
it.’ There was no malice, but perhaps
this Mom never had a nurturing environment herself and was repeating what she
knew.
Linda is a
peacemaker and doesn’t want anyone to suffer through arguments. She smoothes troubled waters and tries to
make every situation better. She has two
overachieving young adult children. Linda is a
scientific person (as in biologist) who still sees God in every other person,
full of compassion and the desire to make any situation better.
To a woman,
all of these women are fabulous mothers.
They have been, and are, fully engaged in their children’s lives even
during those times when the ‘adult’ child might be pushing them away. They have
been scout leaders, church school teachers, the Mom who baked for the school
class, the volunteer at the church fair, etc.
They are not Harriet from “Ozzie and Harriet” because many of them were
working outside of the home as well as being mothers and housekeepers. So they definitely were more than one up on
Harriet.
Again, I
say: how did this happen? It’s wonderful and I admire all of these women. I am humbled by how they were able to
overcome not-so-great parenting from their mothers. I can only come to the conclusion that at
some time in their life, these women said, “I am not going to be like my
mother.” And they did it.
I am humbled
to know these women, but please don’t tell them. I don’t want them to think
that I am scrutinizing them. I’m only
admiring them.
