Three Women 12-9-13

Accident of Birth

As I watch a moth struggling, fluttering, between my window and screen, I wonder where he has come from.  He must have hatched there last night when it was below freezing and snowing.  And he’s doomed only because of his accident of birth.  I wonder how many people mourn the circumstances of their birth. 

“What if I had been born with a mother who loved me for me and paid some attention to me?”

 “What if I hadn’t reminded my mother of my father who abused her? Would she have not shown so much anger to me then and now?”

“What if I hadn’t been one of five children and told by my parents, ‘you’re on your own’?”

I know of three women who fit these accidents of birth.  And I am amazed.  I would think that they grew up to be neurotic, conflicted people.  Instead the woman in the first case, Jane, is a beautiful accomplished mother of three overachieving young adults.  Her mother gave her custody over to her 15 year old sister who later snapped, ran away, and got into drugs.  It’s clear that there was (and is) untreated mental illness on the mother’s part, but Jane harbors no animosity.  In fact, Jane has let her mother move in with her now that she is aged, and Jane somehow ignores the fact that her mother still ignores her unless it is to demand attention or food.

Jane is totally engaged in her young adult children’s lives, has a loving husband, and in-laws who love her as their own.  She has a positive spirit, a very spiritual side, and a playful “addicted to bling” side.  She works full time, is going to grad school, disguises her high intelligence with a ‘blonde personality’ but will share it in serious discussions with friends.  How did this happen?

Woman number 2, Helen, again has a truly mentally ill mother who heaps verbal abuse on all of her children.  Over the years the mother verbally drove away family and friends, causing the children to mourn the companionship of cousins and others.

It has taken a lot of years for Helen and her siblings to understand that “Mom” needs serious psychotherapy, which might not work now since the woman is elderly.  But Helen has become a thoughtful, generous, ethical person who has a strong spiritual side even though she is an atheist.  (That’s the subject for another monograph, but not now.)

Helen has suffered more than her share of tragedies in her personal life, but she continues to seek her own kind of therapy and healing.  Much of this healing comes from, I think, following the old Beatles’ line of “The love you take is equal to the love you make.”  She, too, is a positive person who has a fun side along with her intellectual curiosity. She has one surviving young adult daughter who is making her way in the world knowing full well that Helen has her back at all times.  Helen is raising her granddaughter in a joyful manner while remembering the greatest heart wrenching time of when her daughter passed away.

Finally, there’s Linda.  (You know by now that these are all pseudonyms, right?)  Linda means “beautiful” in Spanish and Linda is truly beautiful.  She was lost in a crowd of many siblings with a mother who basically said, ‘I’ve given you clothing and shelter – get on with it.’  There was no malice, but perhaps this Mom never had a nurturing environment herself and was repeating what she knew.

Linda is a peacemaker and doesn’t want anyone to suffer through arguments.  She smoothes troubled waters and tries to make every situation better.  She has two overachieving young adult children.  Linda is a scientific person (as in biologist) who still sees God in every other person, full of compassion and the desire to make any situation better.

To a woman, all of these women are fabulous mothers.  They have been, and are, fully engaged in their children’s lives even during those times when the ‘adult’ child might be pushing them away. They have been scout leaders, church school teachers, the Mom who baked for the school class, the volunteer at the church fair, etc.  They are not Harriet from “Ozzie and Harriet” because many of them were working outside of the home as well as being mothers and housekeepers.  So they definitely were more than one up on Harriet.

Again, I say: how did this happen? It’s wonderful and I admire all of these women.  I am humbled by how they were able to overcome not-so-great parenting from their mothers.  I can only come to the conclusion that at some time in their life, these women said, “I am not going to be like my mother.”  And they did it.

I am humbled to know these women, but please don’t tell them. I don’t want them to think that I am scrutinizing them.  I’m only admiring them.